If you're reading this right now, something just turned your world upside down. Maybe the sentencing happened today. Maybe you got a call last night and you still haven't slept. Maybe you've known this was coming for months and it still didn't feel real until it did. Whatever brought you here — you're not alone, and you're not broken for feeling completely lost.
Knowing what to do when your loved one goes to prison is something nobody teaches you. There's no handbook handed out at the courthouse. So let's build one together, right now, starting with the next 72 hours.
The First 72 Hours: What to Do Right Now
The days immediately after an incarceration are the most chaotic — and the most important for getting information locked down. Here's where to start.
Find Out Where They're Being Held
If your loved one was just sentenced or taken into custody, they may be in a county jail for days or weeks before being transferred to a state or federal facility. Until they're officially "designated" (assigned a permanent facility), their location can change without notice.
For federal inmates, use the Federal Bureau of Prisons (BOP) Inmate Locator. You'll need their name or register number. It updates within days of a transfer.
For state inmates, every state has its own online inmate locator. Search "[your state] inmate locator" — most update within 24–72 hours of a transfer.
If they just got arrested and haven't been sentenced yet, search your county's online jail roster or call the county jail directly. Many counties have a "who's in jail" tool on the sheriff's department website.
What NOT to Say on Phone Calls
This is critical: all calls from jail or prison are recorded and may be monitored. Anything said about the case — details, witnesses, strategy, anything your attorney told you — should never be spoken on a call. It can and does get used in court.
Keep calls to personal, emotional connection. Save legal conversations for in-person visits with an attorney present.
Call the Attorney
If sentencing has already happened, there may still be appeals, sentence modifications, or motions to file. Get clarity on what (if any) legal options remain. If you can't afford an attorney, contact your state's public defender office or look into organizations like the ACLU or Families Against Mandatory Minimums (FAMM) for resources.
How to Stay Connected With Someone in Prison
Staying connected is one of the most powerful things you can do — for them, and honestly for you too. Here's how each channel works.
Phone Calls: Managing the Cost
Prison phone calls are notoriously expensive. Most facilities contract with companies like GTL (now Viapath), Securus, or ICSolutions — and rates can be $0.14–$0.25/minute for in-state calls, more for out-of-state.
A few ways to reduce the cost:
- Set up a prepaid account with whatever provider your facility uses. Having money on the account means calls can connect immediately.
- Pigeonly offers discounted calls for some facilities by routing calls as local. Check if your facility is supported at pigeonly.com.
- Set a schedule. Most people find it easier emotionally and financially to have set call times rather than waiting by the phone all day.
Letters: Still the Most Reliable
Letters are the most dependable form of communication in prison. They don't go down for maintenance, don't require a funded account, and can be re-read a hundred times. Write often. Send photos when the facility allows (check the rules — many require 4×6 prints, no Polaroids).
A few things to know:
- All incoming mail is read by staff. Don't include anything you wouldn't want a stranger to read.
- Some facilities ban stickers, glitter, perfume, or certain types of paper.
- Include your return address on every letter — not just the envelope. Envelopes get discarded.
Email: JPay and CorrLinks
Many state facilities use JPay and federal facilities use CorrLinks for electronic messaging. It's not instant — messages go through a review queue — but it's faster than postal mail and lets you attach photos (for a fee on JPay).
Set up your account at jpay.com or corrlinks.com. Your loved one will need to add you as a contact from their end first on CorrLinks.
Video Visits
Video visitation has expanded a lot since 2020. Some facilities offer in-person video visits (through a screen at the facility), and some allow home video visits through apps like Securus, GTL, or JPay Video.
Home video visits are more flexible but cost money per session — typically $6–$12 for 25–30 minutes. In-person visits may still be available at your facility and are usually free (with scheduling through the facility's visitation system).
Check your specific facility's website or call the case manager to understand what's available and how to get approved for visitation.
Protecting Yourself Financially and Emotionally
This part doesn't get talked about enough. Your loved one is in prison — but you're doing time on the outside. Your needs matter too.
Get a Power of Attorney
If your loved one has assets, bills, a business, a vehicle, or any accounts in their name only, you'll need legal authority to manage those. A durable power of attorney (POA) gives you that authority.
Many jails and prisons have notary services available, or your loved one can sign a POA before transfer if timing allows. Contact a local attorney or use a legal aid organization if cost is a concern.
Handle the Bills
Get a clear picture of every account: utilities, car payments, credit cards, subscriptions. Anything in their name that you aren't able to pay may go to collections. Call creditors early — some have hardship programs or deferment options if you explain the situation.
If you're losing significant household income, look into:
- SNAP and WIC if you have children
- Local nonprofits that assist families in crisis (search "[your city] family assistance programs")
- 2-1-1 — dial it or visit 211.org to find local resources by zip code
Find a Therapist — Even Just for a Few Sessions
What you're experiencing is grief. Anticipatory grief, disenfranchised grief (the kind society doesn't validate), and ongoing trauma. It's real and it's heavy.
Look for a therapist familiar with incarceration-related family trauma. Psychology Today's therapist finder lets you filter by specialty and insurance. Many therapists offer sliding scale fees.
Even 4–6 sessions can give you tools to handle the emotional waves that are coming.
If You Have Kids: How to Talk About It
One of the hardest conversations you'll ever have. But avoiding it tends to make things worse — kids sense something is wrong and their imagination often conjures something scarier than the truth.
Age-Appropriate Conversations
Young children (under 6): Simple and honest is best. "Daddy made a mistake and has to stay somewhere else for a while. We're going to talk to him on the phone and send him letters. He loves you very much." You don't need to say the word "prison" at this age.
School-age kids (6–12): They need more. Explain that there are rules, that the person broke a rule, and there are consequences. Emphasize that it is not the child's fault. Be ready for big emotions and repeat this conversation more than once.
Teenagers: They can usually handle the truth, and they need it. Avoid the instinct to protect them from reality — they likely already know or sense more than you think. Give them a safe space to be angry, scared, or ashamed without judgment.
Keep Routines Intact
Consistency is a lifeline for kids under stress. Keep bedtimes, school routines, and family meals as normal as possible. Stability tells a child "even though something is wrong, you are safe."
If your child's school counselor isn't already aware, consider letting them know discreetly so they can keep an eye out and provide support.
Building Your Support System (Prison Family Support Is Real)
Here's the thing nobody tells you: there's a whole community of people going through exactly this. You don't have to white-knuckle it alone.
Online Communities
Reddit:
- r/prisonwives — very active, supportive community of spouses and partners
- r/prisonrelationships — for those navigating romantic relationships through incarceration
Prison Talk (prisontalk.com) — one of the oldest and most comprehensive online communities for families. Has forums for every state and situation.
Facebook groups — search "prison wives," "prison families support," or "[your state] inmate families." These are often more intimate than forums and people check in daily.
What to Tell Family and Friends
You don't owe anyone an explanation. But deciding what to say — and having a short script ready — takes a little pressure off.
A simple framing that works for most situations: "[Name] is going through something really difficult right now and isn't available. I'm handling things and I'll let you know when there's more to share."
For close family you do want to tell: keep it factual, keep it brief, and be clear about what you need. "I'm not looking for opinions right now — I just need support." Most people, when given clear instructions, will follow them.
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
This guide gives you a foundation — but there's so much more ground to cover. Appeals and sentence reductions. Building a visitation routine that doesn't drain you. Managing the financial whiplash. Keeping your relationship healthy across distance and concrete walls. Surviving holidays. Planning for release.
If you're looking for one resource that covers all of it, Solid Through the Sentence was written for exactly where you are right now. It's a $14.97 ebook that walks families of the incarcerated through every stage — from day one to release — with practical tools, emotional guidance, and real talk from someone who's been in the trenches. No fluff, no judgment, just the survival guide you wish someone had handed you.
Not ready for the full guide yet? Start with the Letters, Visits & Calls Planner — a $7.97 printable that helps you organize phone logs, track letters in and out, prep for visits, and stay on top of connection without letting it overwhelm your whole life. Small investment. Big difference.
You're going to get through this. It won't look like the life you planned, but it can still be a good one. One day, one call, one letter at a time.